I joined my church accidentally. One night I stumbled in, drunk and worn out. I sat at a pew and asked God to get me sober. I bargained with Him and I felt…something I never felt before. I felt my heart breaking open. I wept.

I didn’t feel that feeling again for years, but I kept coming back hoping to have that feeling. I was so ashamed of myself, I could barely sit in the back of the church. I hid in the basement with the kids, or sat at an outside bench. I was in pain. I refused Communion for the first year because I wasn’t worthy.

I *knew* everyone at the church was Progressive, and they belonged here and I was a stranger. I was honest and upfront with the Pastor about it.

I was so confused. I never really understood how a church worked. And I tried and tried to learn, I really did. I got books that were recommended, I got a video from a fellow parishioner, I volunteered with janitorial and custodial efforts, I participated in events. I tried.

Things that happened

1.) In 3 years I knew absolutely no one beyond their names, and sometimes not even that. I thought that was normal.

2.) I got my AA sponsor because I recognized him at an AA meeting at church. And I asked him for help. He did.

3.) I understood that people were busy, and that I was an impediment to completing some task that I never really understood. I would have been glad to help, but I wasn’t asked and when I offered I was sort of brushed off in a nice way.

4.) I fell in love with this historical building and it became something special to me, and it became something for my kids.

5.) I was awkward, I said too much or made crude jokes. I just shut up after a while.

6.) Other, newer members seemed to “fit in” more easily than me. Including my kids and my then-wife. I felt like I was just a vehicle for them, because it felt like the members just gravitated to them more than anything I did, unless I could be useful. I could light a fire pit. I could pick up chairs.

7.) I thought I couldn’t receive Communion unless I was baptized in the Church. I. do. not. care. what Lutherans believe, that is iron-law in my belief. Converts have to show a sign of commitment, otherwise it’s just a country club.

I just kept screwing up and it felt like I was stepping on every rake in the yard. That’s what I thought – I thought that was the reason I wasn’t invited to join stuff. It was later I realized I just got lost in the shuffle, which doesn’t really feel good either.

I love the church. I deeply respect and honor the Lutheran Faith. I self-taught as much as I could. I joined a Lutheran prayer group. I am taking independent summer classes this year so I can complete my formation.

I don’t understand contemporary worship – it didn’t feel holy or in any way honoring God. I didn’t mind my kids playing downstairs, I didn’t want them to get the wrong idea of what Real church is actually like. This felt like….let me put it this way: On Easter, the Greek Orthodox cook a lamb in a powerful tradition that is culturally, spiritually and physically nourishing. My congregation serves s’mores for the kiddos. It’s that kind of comparison.

I’m stubborn though. That’s the problem. I’m too damn stubborn and this was the church I got sober. And I made a deal with God that if I did get sober, I’d serve Him for 30 years. I’ve served 3 years. It’s been painful, and humiliating, and very very confusing.

I don’t know why I’m Called to this church, and I don’t know why I didn’t stumble into an Orthodox Church or a Catholic or Eastern. I would have been happier. But this is where my miracle happened so this is where I’ll stay until I serve my time. If you understand addiction, you know that miracles are rare and if you get one, you do whatever it takes to make it come true and keep it true.